what and how, I don’t know. But the time is now…

The Man from the North and I have been GREAT!  It all seems to be falling into place perfectly.  We see each other a couple of times per week. We talk daily. We’re definitely growing and nurturing our relationship. And the sex, well, I cannot find a proper adjective to describe it; amazing simply doesn’t do it justice.  So, why then, am I finding myself fucking it up?

This weekend was like most around here.  Friday night, TMFTN and I had a quiet night in.  I picked up some takeout, rented a movie we both wanted to see, and we enjoyed some wine.  The conversation was awesome as always and he even helped me with a problem I was facing at work.  Saturday, I spent the day with Coconut at a little street fair in the area.  Well, not so much time spent at the street fair, but more in the bars where we knew the owners, as well as the place TMFTN tends bar on Saturdays.  She and I were both on our best behavior, which is saying a lot considering when the two of us get together, anything, and I mean anything, can happen.  Also, during our stop in at a new deli that is opening, we ran in to Aaron.  That, was not as awkward as I thought it could be.  So, I call that a win.

Sunday morning rolled around and I peeled myself off of Coconut’s couch and made my way home for a bit. TMFTN and I decided to start our day by having some breakfast together.  Everything started off very well.  It was nice to be back on our Sunday morning schedule of getting up and eating together.  Shortly after we got back to his place, little miss smarty pants here thinks it’s a good idea to head over to the local bar by his place for some drinks.  This also starts off okay… then somewhere after several Stoli Raspberry presses it apparently started to roll downhill.  We had our first argument.  From what I remember (not much of it), it was completely stupid.  Why something came up from two months ago is ridiculous! Why I felt the need to drag it on and ask a million questions about it? Also ridiculous.  Why I had so much vodka, then decided to throw in some Jameson and red wine: INSANELY RIDICULOUS!

I think he might be a saint.  I don’t think that there was any actual yelling during the argument; just a lot of questions and a bit of crying.  Instead of getting mad at me for bringing old shit up, he talked to me about it, fairly calmly.  I feel like an asshole.  Especially since this morning, when we woke up, HE apologized to ME about the whole thing. How dare he?!?!  On the plus side of all of this, I did find out that he and I are in the same place regarding our relationship.  Why couldn’t I just ask him that, instead of trying to make a big fuss over something that happened months ago when we first went out?  In a word, I’m stupid.

This all brings me back to the beginning, kinda.  Well, in a place to explain why I need a change or something.  Things in my life are great right now.  The younger boys will be back here June 11.  The older boy will be here with me in July.  These are very happy things.  Aside from last night, things with TMFTN are superb.  My job is going well; turns out I actually know what I’m doing!  My depression has been maintaining itself on a nice, happy level.  Everything is going better than I could have imagined… I am just finding myself in a rut of sorts.  I’m not sure what exactly I need to change, other than the obvious not drinking a bottle of vodka to myself thing.  I need to write more.  I need to get back into school.  I need to work out a bit more.  It’s just that when I tell myself I “need” to do something, I tend to fight it at all costs.  However, based on last night’s events, it is obvious that something definitely does need to change, for the better.  And soon…

Confucius says…

Maybe if I look at it as treating myself, rather than “needing” to change, I’ll have better luck.

For the past couple of years, Mother’s Day is an exceptionally hard day for me. It’s just not the same, not having all of my boys with me.  I dread the upcoming day for weeks, continuously feeling like a failure as a mother.  I’d like to say that I look forward to spending the day with my own mother, too, but that would be a lie, as our relationship is constantly strained for one reason or another.  Feeling like a continuous failure is obviously not good for my mental health nor is it good for the people around me.

The weekend overall was a great one. I got to go see my sister and some close friends for a girls’ night out on Friday.  We got dressed up and enjoyed some delicious cocktails, but most importantly some amazing laughs and conversations as a group of best friends should.

I couldn’t imagine life without these girls…

Saturday morning, I got to FINALLY see my godson play some baseball.  That little 8 year old is a pretty good first baseman and can swing the bat at the ball with the best of them! He was excited to see that his Nina and Grandpa came out to watch him play.  Following the game, I took the little guy to go have a late lunch/early dinner with his mom.  It was a good afternoon that was followed by an even better evening, when we went to pick up MJ from his dad’s and the four of us (plus another friend and her daughter) went to see Ironman 3 – I highly recommend it, by the way.  I didn’t even come close to falling asleep, which is my usual M.O. for going to the movies.  MJ and I had a chance to catch up a bit before the movie and I think he actually appreciated that we were out doing something, rather than just sitting at my sister’s house.  It was a late night, so when we got home, we just put the boys to bed and we got some shut eye as well.  Sunday morning was welcomed in with a brunch reservation for the four of us, plus our parents, aunt, and baby brother.  Instead of the normal bickering that commonly occurs during family meals, there was a sense of serenity.  There even appeared to be less eye-rolling than normal, so I will chalk that up to a win!  After brunch, we all went our separate ways.  The sister went to work.  MJ had viola lessons.  My aunt had mass to attend.  I drove myself back up here to the bay area.

Throughout the weekend, I had been in constant contact with The Man from the North (TMFTN), obviously.  He knew of my fears and hesitations of dealing with Mother’s Day.  However, the day was even tougher for him.  While I was complaining of being a failure and whining about not being close to my mother, I at least have the opportunity to try to work on these things.  Without telling anything secret and private about his situation, his mother passed away years ago.  To top that off, his father, who has also passed away, would have celebrated his birthday yesterday.  So, basically an orphan in his late 30’s, it was certainly a hard day for both of us.

I drove up and met him at a little dive bar near his apartment.  He had been chatting with an elderly gentleman before I arrived.  I got there, we each did a shot of Jameson (our whiskey of choice lately) then went to his place to decide what to do for the day.  Seeing as how I had just survived watching a movie without falling asleep the previous night, it would have been silly to attempt that again.  We hemmed and hawed about the lack of activities when I decided it was be fun to go bowling.  I hadn’t been bowling in over a year and it is a fun activity that we could do together while letting our competitive nature come out!  There was great music and it wasn’t too packed.  We laughed at how horrendous we both are at bowling and just truly enjoyed each other’s company.  It was a great feeling knowing that I could be so open and trusting with someone who felt secure enough with me to reciprocate the same behaviors, especially on a day where we had our own upsets and negative feelings.  Neither of us wanted to be alone, but yet neither of us to be with anyone else.  We wrapped up 3 games and went for some dinner.  Aside from not having my boys with me on Mother’s Day, I couldn’t possibly have had a better day.  I laughed and cried; I shared stories and listened intently; I hugged and kissed; and perhaps most importantly, I did not fall flat on my ass while trying to break 100!

Note, TMFTN’s real name is NOT Nate, which is why it’s safe to post here. How people continuously get Nate from what his real name is, I will never understand!!

So, with the help of my friends and some family, my Mother’s Day was not a complete loss this year.  I hope that all of the rest of you Mommies and Daddies out there enjoyed the day. Until next time….

Well, let me back up just a bit.  The Man from the North and I are still dating and having a great time.  There have been some bouts of chaos and misdirection, but we are working those out between ourselves and NOT our friends who have very loud opinions.  In fact, one day, we both just played hookey and enjoyed the beach, weather, and lots of margaritas… it was loverly.

Margaritas pierside with an amazing man while playing hookey? Why, yes, please!

Life has been going rather well. I’m kicking ass in my new position at work.  I feel like I’m growing and learning every day as a person.  My boys are all doing very well (sadly, I can’t take credit for that, but still…) Yesterday I decided to face some of my fears and do the photo shoot. On our way out to the park, I got a phone call from my roommate. I ignored it, as I figured it just had to do with the new hot water heater installation. Instead, I got this series of texts: “we got broken into”. “before my mom got here. My shits all over the place, I’m sorry”. “I’m kinda freaking out, sorry”.  All within 3 minutes.  Of course, I started to panic, but Aimee reminded me, that what was done is already done; me rushing home wasn’t going to change any of that. Still though, my stomach was sinking.

We finished the photo shoot, and I ran home. The police were there, as the roomie had already started filling out the police report.  I met his mom, whom I had never met before, and CERTAINLY did not want to meet her under those conditions. I walked into my room. It was terrible.  All of my clothes were pulled from their drawers and thrown on the floor.  All of the miscellaneous I had under my bed was thrown all over the place.  My laptop was taken as well as some cash.  My roomie’s room looked just as bad as mine; he was missing a camera, more cash, and half dozen video games.  I suddenly went numb.  I was trying to talk to my roomie and his mom, as well as the very nice and courteous police officer.  It felt surreal. As if I was in a nightmare.  My stomach was churning.  I went outside for a cigarette (do not judge me) and called my mother.  Instead of getting comfort and condolences, I felt attacked, again. By my own mother.  I was trying to explain to her what had happened, with the limited details I knew at that point and all she kept saying was, “that doesn’t sound right. Why would they only take the little things.  Are you sure you were robbed?” Seriously. How the fuck does that happen?

This is NOT at ALL how I left my room…

The cop thinks it was just a young student with a backpack and filled it with what he could.  I don’t really care who it was or why they took what they did. I still feel gross, dirty, and completely violated.  My friends have rallied by my side, both literally and virtually.  I feel blessed in that aspect, but I seriously cannot get over the way my mother reacted.  I am trying to find the silver lining in this, but all I keep thinking is that every time I feel happiness like I have been, something catastrophic happens.  It hurts inside.  I truly feel like I don’t deserve to be happy, and this is the consequence.  The rational side of me knows that this isn’t true, but my anxiety is roaring about, definitely winning this round.  If any of you have any ideas or tips on how I might be able to get over this feeling, I’d greatly appreciate it.  I’m in a very bad, dark place, and I don’t like it one bit.

Note: As soon as I typed this, and am still feeling horrible inside, TMFTN just invited me to the Sharks game tonight, 5^th row, off center ice. Maybe, JUST MAYBE things might be looking up…

You see, after Aaron and I split up, I was obviously very angry and hurt.  There were a lot of issues between us that I had been blinded by love to notice that they even existed.  After a slight mental (also, VERY drunken) meltdown, I came around and now see what they were, on both sides.  I was by no means a completely innocent party in this, as much as I want to believe I was. However, now I’ve decided that I want to be an adult (I can hear you gasping, I KNOW!!!) and try to figure out how to be friends with an ex that has hurt me and whom I’ve also hurt.  Which, from what I understand (unless you tell me of another way!), I need to learn to forgive.

oh yeah… gotta figure out how to forgive myself, too.

I’ll be honest here, I did see him the other night. We hadn’t spoken in about 10 days, because the last text he sent me was “I wish I could marry you and start all over.”  I received that after my date with TMFTN the night we ran into him at the restaurant.  For Aaron’s sake, and my remaining sanity, I thought it best to block his number. Again.  But, I woke up the other morning and decided to see how he was doing. (Read: I needed some help organizing my room and setting up my TV.)  Anyway, he agreed to come over and help me out.  It was completely awkward, him being in my place for the first time (seriously; he had never been in my house before.)  More awkward was that we were in my bedroom, actually putting my bed together.  Whatever.  I just kind of stood around among the boxes of stuff I needed to put away once my room was finally configured just right.  I tried to make small talk, but one of the biggest problems in our relationship was the LACK of communication.

Me:  you don’t have to be quiet. You can talk…

Him: blankly stares at me

Me:  oh, that’s right. I forgot you don’t do that…

Him: blankly stares at me

I got jokes, people… I got jokes all day!

Anyway, the work took him about an hour and then he sat on my newly put together and freshly made bed.  That was discerning.  He just kind of kept staring at me.  There had been SOME small talk while he was working, but nothing that was exciting or earth-shattering.  Finally, when I couldn’t take that vibe anymore, I suggested we go have a beer, NOT at my local watering hole, but at some little dive bar instead.  I put my pants back on (wait… I was wearing yoga pants while he was there; I changed back into my jeans from earlier in the day, I was never pantsless!!), and we took off.  It was weird, I won’t lie.  He was fidgeting and picking at his hands, and I was my normal talkative self.  I mentioned again how our biggest problem was that he wouldn’t communicate, and something seriously changed.  HE STARTED TALKING! He hemmed and hawed a little bit here and there, but with some encouragement, HE SEEMED TO FIND HIS MOTHER FUCKING WORDS.  This was something I had never seen or heard before.  He apologized for trying to change me.  He apologized for not talking to me.  He apologized for shutting me out.  He apologized for the lack of sex and physical closeness.  He apologized for always making the plans and never listening to what I wanted.  He apologized.  A lot.  For many, many things.  And used his words, quite well, I may add.

I was impressed.  Not “ready to forget the past and let’s make out” impressed, but impressed nonetheless.  We stayed up talking til nearly midnight before he left and went home (or I’m assuming home; I don’t know nor care what/whom he does).  And since then, we’ve been communicating a bit via text message.  I’m torn though.  He did hurt me, pretty deeply.  And we talked about it.  That doesn’t make it go away though. That shit really happened, and it affected me profoundly.  I clearly can’t forget about it, nor do I want to.  I do think, though, that I might be willing to forgive him.  I just don’t know how.  I also DO NOT want to lead him on.  Part of what makes this more difficult, is that the longer we talked the other night, the more he kept telling me that he still loves me and the more I had to ignore it.  I don’t feel the same for him as I once did.  I’m not strong enough right now in my own head to even think about him (or anyone else, really) in that way.  I truly am enjoying being single, finding myself, and dating.  He says that when I’m ready, that he’ll be the man I first met and fell for.  I just don’t know that I’ll ever be that woman who was so ready and willing to trust and jump in again.

Do any of y’all have any suggestions?  I want to be the bigger person and not hold lifelong grudges as I am accustomed to doing.  I’d like to give this forgiveness thing a try…

So, Friday night, I went on my second official date with The Man from the North (TMFTN).  We decided to go to a place that is owned by a mutual friend; also a mutual friend of Aaron’s.  And, of course, Aaron was there.  Trying to NOT be the asshole, I requested a table on the opposite side of the restaurant as to not flaunt that I have, indeed, moved on and am dating again.  Though, we are fairly certain that he did see us.  Oh well… it’s bound to happen in our small town of 1 million people plus suburbs!

I like TMFTN.  As I’ve mentioned, we’ve been friends for quite sometime.  We know backgrounds about each other.  We share a number of mutual friends.  It’s easy to hang out with him and there is never a lull in the conversation.  However, this time around in the dating game, I am taking things VERY slow… this is something I wish our friends could understand and just let us be while we figure this out.

Take The Big Kid for example.  I love him.  He’s been a great friend to me over the past couple of years and reminds me a lot of my own brother.  When he sees me slipping, he calls me out.  When I’ve had too much to drink, he’ll put me in a cab or give me a safe couch to sleep on.  He is one of the good guys out there… And, I respect his opinion; most of the time.  HE DOES NOT LIKE ME DATING TMFTN.

Who gets to decide though, whether the decision was a good choice or a bad choice?

I’m not sure how this became his business.  I mean, I think his intentions are well meaning.  He knows about the breakup with Aaron.  He knows all about the relationship and how quickly it started and ended.  These are things that he knows.  I get that.  I also know that he knows about TMFTN and his somewhat recently ended relationship (his ended before mine).  I just wish that he’d let us be adults and make our own decisions.  Case in point, Saturday night:  TBK, me, and dozens of other friends were celebrating Linky’s birthday.  This was an all day and night adventure.  Somewhere around 230am (stop judging me), we headed back toward my car (which was at our local bar) and I was going to take a cab home.  I wasn’t completely intoxicated, but I was well over any limits to attempt to think about driving.  So, on our way over there, TMFTN called me (he bartends on Saturday nights, so he was just getting off of work).  TBK got angry, canceled my cab, then proceeded to tell me, rather angrily, that he does NOT approve of me dating TMFTN; again.  So much in fact, that in his own conversation with TMFTN, he straight up told him not to date me.  Because I’m a hot mess.  His words, and he told me as much.  While standing there out on the sidewalk at nearly 3am, all I could do was listen.  There was no arguing with him.  His arguments consisted of:  “You’re rushing in to this.”  “Remember how it was with Aaron?”  “You need to get your own shit together.”  “Why not be single and concentrate on you?”  “What about your kids?”  “I’m tired of seeing you make bad decisions.”  “When this ends, and it will get ugly, I’m taking TMFTN’s side.”  To which I tried to answer, but he shut me up.

1. I’m NOT rushing into this.  Yes, we talk everyday. However, we are NOT trying to see each other every day.  We’re NOT planning anything more than a week out.  We both know that this is new and that we don’t want to fuck up our friendship.  I especially am aware of this.  I value his friendship over any other aspect of our relationship.
2. Yes, I remember how it was with Aaron.  I don’t wanna be all, “it was different with him,” but it truly was different.  We met and knew nothing about each other.  We weren’t friends first.  It was new and exciting and there were things about each other that we’d never dealt with.  In time, that proved too much for me and I started to lose sight of myself.  I won’t let that happen again.  Only time will tell if I keep that guarantee, so let time go and let me prove it.
3. Working on getting my own shit in order is a continuing, ongoing process.  I have goals right now, especially as it comes to my work and recent promotion.  I’ve been getting things in order and trying to learn and better myself and make my work days more consistent and productive.  Dating someone, especially if we’re taking it slow, will not interfere with getting my shit together.  Another thing that I promise will not happen.
4. I am concentrating on me.  Also, I am still single.  TMFTN and I are DATING.  We’re not jumping into a relationship.  Both of us are working on other things in our lives.  As stated above, we enjoy each other’s companionship and conversation.  He and I are VERY aware of this.
5. What about my kids?  Me dating has nothing to do with them.  At least this time, I’m not putting them or myself in any sort of predicament that would interfere with them coming to visit or to stop them from moving back when the time is right.  (Again, this goes into personal aspects of Aaron’s life that I was involved in, but am not willing to divulge.)
6. Hey, I’m tired of seeing me make bad decisions, too.  However, I am human.  I make mistakes.  Sometimes I fly by the seat of my pants a little too much; and trust me, I pay the consequences.  Often, in my life anyway, I try to take my bad decisions and turn them into lessons.  We’ve all been there, right?!?!  And ps, for the 1,871,494,184,364^th time, I don’t think this is a bad decision.
7. Why does it have to get ugly?  I know that a lot of breakups can and do get ugly, however, WE ARE JUST DATING!!!! This is not a full on relationship.  We are taking this day by day.  We talk about these things that TBK and others are saying to us and about us.  We both know that our friendship with each other, and with the others, is valuable and neither of us wants to destroy that.  Why can’t we just keep moving forward at the pace that we are and see where this goes?  That’s all he and I want, so why can’t you just be happy for us.  Oh, and I respect that you’ll take his side. I get it. No worries.

And now… I just want to scream!!!  I try my best to not judge others, because I know that often times my life is full of walking inconsistencies.  I’m aware of it.  I own up to it.  I try to make things right.  It’s all that I can really do.  It’s my life and I’m in control of it.  I’m pretty sure that if you stopped and looked at your own life (not just him, but everyone reading this) and stopped looking at others’, the world would be a much happier place!!